Parenthood is not an easy job. You have taken on the responsibility to raise this little being, or maybe multiple little beings. You now have the important task of keeping this other person alive. You are in charge of helping them develop into an independent, and we all hope, decent human being. It is a daunting task, but usually one that is also extremely rewarding. It’s terrifying, but also one of the most amazing experiences. And through it all, we can lose touch with ourselves and our partners in parenthood. We can find ourselves so immersed in our children, that we don’t realize we are trying to control every move that other people make with our children, even our partners. I am guilty of this at times. Enough so that I think it is important to talk about this and bring light to this perfectly normal, but not very healthy habit. And hopefully this reaches you in the earlier stages of parenthood, as we all know how hard it is to break habits once they have really rooted themselves in who we are and our relationships.
What “control” am I referring to? Well here’s some of my own personal examples. I spend more time with my son than anyone else. I am a stay at home mother most of the time (I only work 1 or 2 days a week), and my son’s dad works from home. Even though he works from home, his job keeps him very busy, so I am still basically alone with our son most of the week day. I also am the oldest of six kids, with pretty large gaps in between our ages. On top of that, I have spent a lot of my college years taking classes on child development as well as working with children in a number of my previous jobs. This has accumulated into a very easy and almost natural comfort with taking care of and raising my son.
My fiance on the other hand, while also being a natural, still has had a few lessons along the way in some of the basics. The very first hour our son was born, the nurse had to teach him how to change our sons diaper, as he had never done it. And this is the first example I have. Those first days, I would find myself watching him change our sons diaper and I would just internally nit pick all the ways that he could do it better, or what he was doing wrong. Ultimately, it’s not exactly a hard thing to learn. And the right thing to do would have been to either ask him if he would like any tips, or just let him do it his own way.
As time has gone by, my son and I have gotten to know each other. I started to notice certain tells of when he would need something, things he doesn’t like, or when he was getting tired. When my fiance would have our son, I would find myself telling him everything our son was trying to communicate. Eventually, my fiance made a comment that finally made me realize how controlling I was really being. Ultimately, my son and his father will also have their own relationship. It is not my job to explain everything that goes on between them. It is also important for them to bond and figure each other out in their own time. It is not only not fair to the two of them, but an extremely unhealthy habit for me to form for myself and for my family.
Many of you may have heard the term “helicopter parenting.” This term refers to being overly controlling in parenting methods, also known as authoritarian parenting. At the time, many parents may believe that being controlling is just a form of love and protectiveness. This may be true but, in actuality, children of helicopter parents have more issues with anxiety, depression, and overall happiness in life. The authoritarian parenting style has also been linked with decreased academic achievements and behavioral issues. So, while most parents believe this method will protect their children, in truth it could actually do more harm than good.
Now, I don’t think of myself as a very controlling parent. I do let my son learn through many of his actions. But he is only 8 months old right now. What habits I form now, are what will most likely stick with me through my sons development. These habits could only get more defined over time, and most likely they won’t only influence my son, but also his father and anyone who has a prominent role in his life.
When I began to notice these controlling habits I was forming, I tried to take a step back and analyze my thought process in regards to my son. And when I started to stop myself from being so particular with every other person’s interactions with my son, I started to realize how much less stress I felt. I also started to really enjoy all the moments between my son and everyone around him. I have found that these interactions, though often very different from my own, are all little steps for him to learn about social interactions and how different people can be. It will not only help him become a better and more diverse person, but it is essential for his own happiness.
In summary, there is always a balance we must play with parenthood. How much to we as parents insert ourselves in our child’s development? How much do we control what our child does, and what the people around him do? When is it important for us to step in and provide guidance? Though it is our job as a parent to protect our children and try to steer them in the right directions, a lot of the job also requires us to give them room to learn through their experiences. To learn through their failures and their successes. To develop their own relationships. To not hover over their every move, and everyone else’s every move with them. To trust in this balance in the end, will only strengthen your bond with your child and partner, as well as increase the possibility of a happy and healthy future.