With new babies, there is always an excitement with the firsts and the pivotal milestones. Everyone wants to hear about the babies first smiles, giggles, babbles, and so on. Each step is this amazing new experience for both the baby and everyone who gets to see it happen. Each new step is a small window into whether they will have a sense of humor or be a little more serious. Whether they are inquisitive or mischievous. If they will be a little shy or immodest. If they have a little sass or they just want compassion and snuggles. But what about all the other first that are not so fun? I found, especially with first-time parents, that every negative experience came with immense feelings of guilt or anxiety. Google becomes either your best friend or your worst enemy, as the constant search for answers becomes an everyday occurrence. The need to feel like you aren’t the only one, you are not a bad parent, this is just another common step that almost every child makes, becomes a necessity for your relief from this anxious mess you have become. Well, welcome to parenthood. And in many ways, I am starting to understand this is a sign of being a good parent. So if you have felt this way before, or many times over, give yourself a pat on the back. It is going to be okay.
My first experience dealing with this onslaught of self-doubt came in a minor situation. After spending an hour or more in the car, my baby who was a little over 3 months at the time, began to get fussy. I went through the routine while we were parked in a parking lot of feeding him and then checking his diaper. At the time, we had a brand new grill in a box in the back of the van for a Christmas gift. I thought it made a perfect platform for me to give him a quick change. I laid out his changing pad and set him on it. After getting him out of his wet diaper, I realized his wipes were in the front seat. I had his father pass them back to me. In that 3 seconds of not holding him down or keeping my eye on him, he had slid headfirst over the side of the box and gotten wedged between the box and the passenger seat. Fortunately, a blanket had also been wedged down there, so his head was gently resting on the blanket while his butt and legs were still on the box. He seemed completely fine with the situation other than being a little surprised. But of course, my thoughts went right to all the “what ifs!” “Oh my gosh, he could have broken his neck!” “If the blanket hadn’t been there he could have gotten hurt!” “I can’t believe I dropped my baby!” Now, this scenario wasn’t that bad. I didn’t walk away with a crying baby. He wasn’t injured. Everything, in the end, was okay. However, I was still the first parent to make a mistake and I could feel the guilt of all the “what ifs” weighing on me.
Fast forward to 6 months. We went down to visit some family in California via the train (read about our train experience with a baby here). We spent a week with our son’s grandparents, and they graciously offered us their bed so it would be big enough for the three of us. At home, my son sleeps in a co-sleeper bassinet since he still breastfeeds regularly throughout the night. He has not been trained to sleep in a crib yet. The only other option they had was a crib near the bed. I tend to side feed when we are home, and I do fall back asleep often while he is eating. This hasn’t been an issue for us. I usually wake back up shortly after he finishes and I move him back to his bassinet. Being in a new place, I was a little nervous when I would need to feed him on the side that was the edge of the bed. All week, I would move to the middle of the bed and keep my arm around him in case I fell asleep. I am an extremely light sleeper and wake at any small movement that he makes. This system worked all week long. About mid-week, our son was starting to get a little more aggressive in his movements at night. He was finally on the verge of rolling over during tummy time. Our second to last night there, the scenario that plagued my nightmares finally played out. Our son rolled out of bed. It felt like slow motion. I woke up to the feeling of him pushing himself away from me with his feet. Unfortunately, I couldn’t move my arm to catch him, as his feet decided my hand and arm were the perfect objects to push off of. And over the side he went. The house is entirely made up of hardwood floors. Fortunately for him, his grandparents had the forethought of putting rugs around the bed, so it could have been a much worse situation. The “thunk” that sounded when he hit the floor haunted my dreams for weeks. His father immediately woke up beside me, jumped out of bed, and panicked. “Oh my god, did he just fall out of bed! F****!”
I immediately reached for him, picked him up, and searched for the light so I could assess the situation. While his father frantically paced the room and freaked out, I got the light on, looked my son over, and tried to soothe him. I felt along each limb, his head, and I looked him in the eyes for anything abnormal. He seemed fine, just startled. He had a small red mark on his forehead, but that was the only sign of injury. Ultimately, he was fine. He took about 10-15 minutes to calm down and fall back asleep. His father and I however were a whole other matter. First, I tried to calm his father because his panicking was not going to help our son calm down and go back to sleep. I explained that his son just needs comfort and to know we are there when he is hurt. At that, his father came over and held him till he fell asleep. Then I tried to internally tell myself that my son was fine and that I wasn’t a horrible person for allowing this to happen.
After climbing back in bed, with one of us on either side of our son, we both continued to lay there and play “what ifs” in our heads. We also googled anything we should be concerned about. What I found was that this was a lot more common than one would think. That a lot of parents feel guilt the first time their children get hurt or fall out of bed. I also learned that babies are a lot more durable than you would think. They are fragile, but they aren’t so fragile that every bump and bruise has to lead to instant panic. There was no blood, no screaming when I assessed his limbs, and his eyes were dilating correctly (a sign of concussion). He was fine, and it probably will not be the last of his head bumps and falls.
The last example I have of the not so fabulous “firsts” is the first time they get sick. This one is unavoidable, and something I did not look forward to. Fortunately, the first time this occurred I was somewhat prepared. Due to the possibility of fever after his vaccinations, I had baby Tylenol on hand. I should have known that things were a little off when he slept more than usual and wasn’t interested in food. By the late afternoon, I noticed he was warm and we took his temperature. Sure enough, he was over 102, and we immediately popped some Tylenol in his mouth. We then took his temperature pretty often and were relieved to see his temperature reduce to around 99. The hardest part, was it moved to his throat and this kept him up most of the night. Listening to his raspy cries was difficult. We always want our babies to be comfortable and happy. It hurts our hearts to hear their cries of pain and discomfort when there isn’t anything we can do about it. I just held him through the night, and by the next day, he was a lot more himself. Not completely over it, but so much better.
These are just a few examples of some of the firsts that we don’t look forward to. Of course, there are also the less serious ones, such as the first time you get pooped or peed on. The first time they soil their clothes and you don’t have a backup. The first time they spit up in your face or even in your mouth. We as parents have the pleasure of experiencing most, if not all of these firsts. What we all need to understand, is that it’s not our fault. That we aren’t alone. That in the end, we aren’t bad parents just because things happen. We do the best we can, and we show our children by not panicking, that in these “bad” moments, we are here for them. We are a source of comfort and care. And that’s what makes us good parents.